Welcome to the final instalment of this cringe-fest! I know, I’m gutted too.
Between my last post and this one, I’d gotten with a guy called L. When I first asked him out, he said no because he thought I was joking. I really wasn’t. Once we’d spoken about this misunderstanding, we got together. It was kinda cute, really but I won’t share those posts as they’re really all about him and we’re, uh, total strangers now so it doesn’t seem fair.
Anyway, I thought it’d be a good idea to write him a letter introducing who I really was to him. I don’t know. I won’t pretend I’ve grown out of being so intense but I’m at least a little more careful with it now.
Tuesday, April 11th 2006
I guess you could see this letter as an introduction to me.
I am a nightmare girlfriend- I am clingy, jealous, and if I fall for someone, I fall hard. I would however, love you to give me a chance.
The last few months I have been crazy about you, everything about you. Your smile, your eyes, your teeth, your laugh. God, since we have like, got talking, I’ve realised you are funny, caring, thoughtful, and a great kisser.
Only I am hard work, I am really insecure and suffer an awful case of paranoia.
When I said that my last bf loved me etc, I wasn’t guilt tripping you, I was just pointingout, ive given up a lot to be with you.
I guess this letter is a warning, like a get-away while u can eventhough I really dont want you to go!
I can’t say I Love You, coz I don’t yet, but I really want to and I’d appreciate the chance
I just find this really sad? It’s definitely funny but it’s mostly sad. I mean, I wasn’t hard work really. I’ve never been the jealous type and I’m not sure why I insinuated that I was. I am pretty clingy and I do fall hard but they’re things you learn and work through, not things you warn future boyfriends about. How sad.
I didn’t give up anything to be with L. I just moved on from my past boyfriend to this guy. What a strange thing to say. Stop watching tacky romance movies, past Sarah!!
I posted this on my Livejournal to tell my friends I’d done it and I’m now mortified, oh dear.
I don’t want to be mean about this guy because I don’t know him any more but he wasn’t those things that I listed, either. He definitely wasn’t very caring, or thoughtful and while he was funny… I was much funnier. Seriously. I wish I’d seen my own worth.
6 hours later…
What I hate is that he’s not here.
What I hate is that I started going out with him in the first place.
What I hate is that he held me close and said he wouldn’t leave. Then he did.
What I hate is that I wasted so long liking him….. for nothing.
What I hate is that I treasure everymoment we ever spent together.
What I hate is that I remember every kiss.
What I hate is that I thought I meant something to him.
What I hate is that I got too deep, again.
What I hate is that he’s still man enough to be friends.
What I hate is that I can’t hate. God damn it to hell.
I mean, he probably did say he’d never leave but had I thought about the implications of that, I probably would have run a mile. We were together for 3 weeks and I liked him for maybe 4. Teenage time is so different to adult time.
Also I sent that letter a week into our relationship, hahahahaha. I was expecting the same kind of depth back from a teenage boy who didn’t spend his free time crying at romcoms. Of course he dumped me.
I definitely got too deep, I’m glad I at least recognised that.
A couple of months passed and I met a new boyfriend, that we’ll call R. I fell pretty hard for him but fortunately, he was exactly the same. We actually dated for almost a year!
Friday, May 19th, 2006.
:]] :]] :]]
ma lecturer just said to me,
“Sarah! you’re in! and it’s no half nine!”
Man I’m so happy just now :]
everythin’s goin right XD
well apart from the fact that no-one has got in touch with me since tuesday part from R :]]
Miss ma pc man :[
Everything’s going right! My lecturer was surprised I made it on time! I’m so happy with life! ALSO FUCK YOU GUYS I’VE NOTICED YOU HAVEN’T BEEN IN TOUCH :]]
And I left it there. I think once I got with R, I had a lot less time and need to rant on LiveJournal. I did lose my friends one by one but the friendships were hardly strong as it was. I had a great year with R, that was sprinkled with drama and confusion but was mostly lovely and I look back on it quite fondly. I’m glad he mostly pulled me out of the bizarre funk I seemed to find myself in and I’m glad despite us having a spectacularly awful breakup, I can still be grateful for my actual first love. And that our relationship inadvertently took me away from Livejournal.
I initially started this Livejournal series to have a joke about who I used to be. One of the things I have taught myself to do in recent years is laugh at myself and I think I achieved it here. I really did laugh a lot at my poor 16 year old self.
It also gave me some closure, and understanding of who I was at that point. I think it’s pretty obvious but I was a really messed up kid and I sometimes fear that I haven’t grown all that much but man, this is like reading somebody else’s diary. Because it is! I feel protective of my younger self and I desperately want to tell her:
- You are beautiful, funny, kind, thoughtful, clever and a genuinely excellent person
- THESE BOYS ARE NOT DOING YOU A FAVOUR BY DATING YOU, you need to recognise your own worth and stop stressing over boys! Ew!
- You’re not cool, you can’t pull off slang and that’s what makes you, you. Embrace it.
I think I’m okay with being that little emo mess that desperately wanted to be loved/be in love. I think I’m actually proud that I’ve continued to be such a soft soul (if a little more jaded these days) and I’m proud that I grew out of a lot of who I’ve seen on these Livejournal pages.
I’m also glad I’ve continued sharing my life with the internet, 10 years on. Good for me.
I’ve also somehow managed to retain some of those same old friends 10 years later. SOMEHOW.
Thank you for reading through these! I hope you’ve had as much fun as I did!