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Looking back at my Livejournal 10 years later – FINAL PART!

Looking back at my Livejournal 10 years later – FINAL PART!

Artistic shot of the protagonist.

Welcome to the final instalment of this cringe-fest! I know, I’m gutted too.

Between my last post and this one, I’d gotten with a guy called L. When I first asked him out, he said no because he thought I was joking. I really wasn’t. Once we’d spoken about this misunderstanding, we got together. It was kinda cute, really but I won’t share those posts as they’re really all about him and we’re, uh, total strangers now so it doesn’t seem fair.

Anyway, I thought it’d be a good idea to write him a letter introducing who I really was to him. I don’t know. I won’t pretend I’ve grown out of being so intense but I’m at least a little more careful with it now.

Tuesday, April 11th 2006

 

L,
I guess you could see this letter as an introduction to me.

I am a nightmare girlfriend- I am clingy, jealous, and if I fall for someone, I fall hard. I would however, love you to give me a chance.

The last few months I have been crazy about you, everything about you. Your smile, your eyes, your teeth, your laugh. God, since we have like, got talking, I’ve realised you are funny, caring, thoughtful, and a great kisser.

Only I am hard work, I am really insecure and suffer an awful case of paranoia.

When I said that my last bf loved me etc, I wasn’t guilt tripping you, I was just pointingout, ive given up a lot to be with you.

I guess this letter is a warning, like a get-away while u can eventhough I really dont want you to go!

I can’t say I Love You, coz I don’t yet, but I really want to and I’d appreciate the chance

yours, Sarah

xx xx

Man.

I just find this really sad? It’s definitely funny but it’s mostly sad. I mean, I wasn’t hard work really. I’ve never been the jealous type and I’m not sure why I insinuated that I was. I am pretty clingy and I do fall hard but they’re things you learn and work through, not things you warn future boyfriends about. How sad.

I didn’t give up anything to be with L. I just moved on from my past boyfriend to this guy. What a strange thing to say. Stop watching tacky romance movies, past Sarah!!

I posted this on my Livejournal to tell my friends I’d done it and I’m now mortified, oh dear.

I don’t want to be mean about this guy because I don’t know him any more but he wasn’t those things that I listed, either. He definitely wasn’t very caring, or thoughtful and while he was funny… I was much funnier. Seriously. I wish I’d seen my own worth.

Anyway.

6 hours later…

What I hate is that he’s not here.
What I hate is that I started going out with him in the first place.
What I hate is that he held me close and said he wouldn’t leave. Then he did.
What I hate is that I wasted so long liking him….. for nothing.
What I hate is that I treasure everymoment we ever spent together.
What I hate is that I remember every kiss.
What I hate is that I thought I meant something to him.
What I hate is that I got too deep, again.
What I hate is that he’s still man enough to be friends.
What I hate is that I can’t hate. God damn it to hell.

JESUS.

I mean, he probably did say he’d never leave but had I thought about the implications of that, I probably would have run a mile. We were together for 3 weeks and I liked him for maybe 4. Teenage time is so different to adult time.

Also I sent that letter a week into our relationship, hahahahaha. I was expecting the same kind of depth back from a teenage boy who didn’t spend his free time crying at romcoms. Of course he dumped me.

I definitely got too deep, I’m glad I at least recognised that.

A couple of months passed and I met a new boyfriend, that we’ll call R. I fell pretty hard for him but fortunately, he was exactly the same. We actually dated for almost a year!

Friday, May 19th, 2006.

:]] :]] :]]

ma lecturer just said to me,

“Sarah! you’re in! and it’s no half nine!”

:]]

Man I’m so happy just now :]

everythin’s goin right XD

well apart from the fact that no-one has got in touch with me since tuesday part from R :]]

Miss ma pc man :[

Anyways,

am away


xxx

Everything’s going right! My lecturer was surprised I made it on time! I’m so happy with life! ALSO FUCK YOU GUYS I’VE NOTICED YOU HAVEN’T BEEN IN TOUCH :]]

And I left it there. I think once I got with R, I had a lot less time and need to rant on LiveJournal. I did lose my friends one by one but the friendships were hardly strong as it was. I had a great year with R, that was sprinkled with drama and confusion but was mostly lovely and I look back on it quite fondly. I’m glad he mostly pulled me out of the bizarre funk I seemed to find myself in and I’m glad despite us having a spectacularly awful breakup, I can still  be grateful for my actual first love. And that our relationship inadvertently took me away from Livejournal.

————————————————————————————————————————————–

I initially started this Livejournal series to have a joke about who I used to be. One of the things I have taught myself to do in recent years is laugh at myself and I think I achieved it here. I really did laugh a lot at my poor 16 year old self.

It also gave me some closure, and understanding of who I was at that point. I think it’s pretty obvious but I was a really messed up kid and I sometimes fear that I haven’t grown all that much but man, this is like reading somebody else’s diary. Because it is! I feel protective of my younger self and I desperately want to tell her:

  1. You are beautiful, funny, kind, thoughtful, clever and a genuinely excellent person
  2. THESE BOYS ARE NOT DOING YOU A FAVOUR BY DATING YOU, you need to recognise your own worth and stop stressing over boys! Ew!
  3. You’re not cool, you can’t pull off slang and that’s what makes you, you. Embrace it.

I think I’m okay with being that little emo mess that desperately wanted to be loved/be in love. I think I’m actually proud that I’ve continued to be such a soft soul (if a little more jaded these days) and I’m proud that I grew out of a lot of who I’ve seen on these Livejournal pages.

I’m also glad I’ve continued sharing my life with the internet, 10 years on. Good for me.

I’ve also somehow managed to retain some of those same old friends 10 years later. SOMEHOW.

Thank you for reading through these! I hope you’ve had as much fun as I did!

 

Reading my Livejournal 10 years later pt 2

Reading my Livejournal 10 years later pt 2

sarahedit

You can find part one here.

Okay so we left my Livejournal with me being drunk and stupid at the end of Summer in 2005. I was ungrounded once my Standard Grades came through, I had started an oddly complicated relationship with P who openly had a crush on myself and my friend K. I can’t obviously use real names because I’m only here to embarrass myself.

I ended things with P once I realised how stupidly complicated everything was and from October, I was dating M.

I left school around 3 months into the school year and had been accepted onto a computing course that started the following January.

Here we go…

Wednesday, December 7th, 2005

Okay…..

Today’s rant is about……

 

EMO FASHION

It’s driving me crazy!  I mean, fair enough, people get depressed and stuff but why oh why is EVERYTHING suddenly emo?! I say I like a sad song and Im “emo” I like writinbg poetry, again, “emo” i MEAN WTF?! this is just my personality ffs

Yes, Sarah, your personality was emo. Bravo.

I think I got really angry the other day when a good friend of mine said that blink 182 were emo *raised eyebrow* Oh and my converse are also apparently emo! HELL NO! Converse are my rock and roll shoes =D I love them more than life itself and Im not having them labelled

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!

Can’t carry on ranting about that,,….Im getting adgitated

The emo doth protest too much, methinks.

I will say, in my defence, I truly did love those Converse and felt at least 70% cooler whilst wearing them. So this is cringy but I forgive it because God bless my little emo heart.

Monday, February 6th, 2006

I won’t post this whole blog post because honestly, I was being a pretty horrible about a girl I’d fallen out with and while it’s funny, it’s also unnecessarily cruel and I’m still ashamed.

I will say, I thought this was really cutting:

 

Shes a wannabe goth somedays and other days a wannabe emo- its fricken pathetic !!!

Her hair is stupid- shes put this dumb excuse for a fringe in and describes it as emo- LMFAO !!!!!

… Wow. “LMFAO!!!!!” Really? Fucking hell. This was actually pretty vicious for me and I do remember the person in question was just as fiery as me (and probably still is, I hope she is) but really what an absolute goose I was. I used to read over posts before publishing them and I genuinely thought this was acceptable.

Okay.

Now remember, from around October, I was dating M. He was my first proper boyfriend really and he really adored me, it was lovely. We had a cute romance and I still think back on it quite fondly. After the seemingly endless series of idiots I dated, M was a breath of fresh air and even my mum liked him.

We broke up after 6 months of being together. I can’t really remember why- we both just seemed to agree that our relationship had run it’s course. This is one of the most sincere posts I wrote on that godforsaken blog and it’s strange to read such brutal honesty without ‘text’ talk or acronyms. I think I was genuinely upset!

Wednesday March 8th, 2006

Thats it people. Me and M have split up and it fucking sucks.
He was pretty much everything to me. I didn’t deserve him though.
I didn’t do the dumping it was pretty much coming though. We both knew it.
This’ll sound strange, but even picturing yourself without someone after just 6 months feels horrible.I love him.

Ever feel like you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone? Voila….that’s me right now. I know us breaking up was the right thing to do. Doesn’t make it any easier though. He wont stay friends with me. He’s not the kinda person to do that. I’m not holding it against him, but I gonna miss him soooo fucking much. We started talking last June, he’s been in my life for quite a while, I’ve spoken to him pretty much every night since September.

He gave the most amazing hugs ever. He genuinely loved me. Not my body, or my friends… ME. He accepted every flaw I had and wasn’t creeped out when I told him about my dad. How often do u find someone like that? Exactly. Rarely. And I fucked it up. As always.

I don’t wanna have people say, “I told you so”, I don’t need it.

God ! I’m so stupid!!!!!

Maybe I’m just not meant to fall in love…

 

Ah, bless. Melodrama and excessive punctuation. But sincerity. At least I was understanding the difference between decent boys and fuckboys.

Monday, March 20th, 2006

Right…
Monday morning’s offcially suck.
Got a lift off Ross :] which was nice of him but his music is pure SHITE
Now I’m sat in college with a lecturer I wana shoot OMG she’s talking again !
SHUTUP YOU COW !

AHEM….
Weekend was okay :]
Went to glasgow with Jamie on Saturday which was cool…..some banter….some alchohol….just a little :p
We went the cinema…. Jamie wanted to see Chicken Little but I wanted to see Date Movie…
I WON LALALALLALA

Christ. So my lecturer had the GALL to talk to me?! What a COW.

Date Movie was horrendous, I don’t know why I’m LALALALALLA’ing over this terrible victory.

Anyway, a couple of weeks later, this undeniable tragedy happened:

Capture

 

 

GRRRRRR.

Til next time. x

Reading my Livejournal 10 years later pt.1

Reading my Livejournal 10 years later pt.1

I honestly never thought I’d laugh at who I was when I was fifteen but it turns out, my Livejournal was almost too good to be true and once I remembered the password, I couldn’t not laugh and share it. It’s been 10 years. I’ve grown. I’m a better person now. I’m well-adjusted. I’m no longer ’emo’. Well, I am. But I’m the grown up version that can only be identified by fellow old emos.

 

June 18th, 2005

Capture

I don’t even know where to start. Pink background with rainbow paragraphs? Jesus Christ. Not to mention needless, NEEDLESS text talk. Text talk was all the rage 10 years ago so I’ll give myself a bit of leeway I guess. I wasn’t texting, or even on a phone but okay.

I actually remember this day, and it was pretty awkward. All of the ‘alternative’ kids sat at one lunch table together so even if there was beef, we sat together. It was pretty intense. That being said, blogging about the problem probably didn’t help.

Stevie is one of the boyfriends I really cringe at. He was obsessed with Jesus, and thought music wasn’t for him because he was straight. His words. Ugh. Anyway, nobody thought our relationship was fake. Nobody fucking cared! But hey look, the guy came and visited me so he was clearly something of a hero. A whole bus journey. Whoa.

June 21st, 2005

“Woke up to find a text off stevie sayin that he was particulary upset about a conversation we’d had the night before. All I said was I felt a bit used n asked if we could go slower n he seemed kwl but then he said he couldnt think straight… I mean! huh?!

Anyway… that resulted in me feelin a bit low but I went in2 maths n got cheered up by Myles lol hes jus so… lkike… mad!lol,  went to txt stevie 2 apologise 4 makin him feel tht way n ma teacher caught me godamn bastard.!!”

This is a bit sad. Stevie really wanted us to have sex and I really, really didn’t. I just wasn’t there, and I was pretty grossed out at the thought if I’m honest. So when he tried to talk me into it again, I told him that I wanted us to go slower and he told me the next day that had upset him. I was fairly naive and extremely sensitive so this really threw me off for the entire day. I felt absolutely terrible and so guilty.

I’m so glad the teacher caught me because I ended up being dumped for not ‘caring enough’ about Stevie to reply. Thank you maths teacher, you old Tory bastard. Stevie got back with me a couple of weeks later, but before we’d had a chance to be reunited under the stars, I was dumped again so that he could go to God camp. I’m really not joking. He ended up going to my friend’s school in Liverpool to talk about religion and why they should accept God. Sigh.

June 29th, 2005

“Today….

Got up at 11, watched some tv n then I checked over ma mum’s application form for her  n then came on this :p

Anyway troopz am away, I got to get packed n ready goin 2 liverpool for 2 days

catch yeez. ;)”

I honestly don’t know why my mum asked me to check over her application when I was clearly not the most intelligent. Nobody loves you like your mother does, eh?

‘Troopz’?!!? TROOPZ?! If you haven’t heard me actually speak, you might not understand what makes this so intensely fucking funny but TROOPZ?! Then ‘catch yeez ;)’ what the actual fuck, Sarah?! Apart from the fact that I was talking like a standard Yahoo! Messenger bam, I never, ever said those words out loud. I would have been laughed at. I’m not sure I even know how to say yeez. It just doesn’t suit my voice. Fucking hell I’m cringing. This is why I had no friends.

July 5th, 2005

When I was younger, I wanted to be an actress, it was my absolute dream and I thought I was the best at it in the world. I dont have that dream anymore, I want to be a journalist, in the media.

Last night when I was in my bed, I realised that I’m an actor already, when I’m sad I act like I’m happy although I’m not, not to everyone, just a lot of people.

I remember this as well. I really thought it was an epiphany. Deep man, deep.

July 23rd, 2005

So I gots home after just about dodging the police coz the stupid dafty who lives above me told them I was drunked. I also told him he rocked =S but he doesnt. Like at all. So yeh! home, right, got in and gave my mum a hug =/ and gave her my starburst =/ then sat on the couch and babbled some shit to my mum about Cheryl sayin she didnt like me an oh yeh pml I called her a ned last night and she started screamin that she wasnt a ned /=]. Yeh! home dammit! then I went on pc, spoke 2 a few people then my mum said she needed to talk to me so… I went in2 Kitchen n she asked if I’d been drinkin and I told her the truth, it was kinda obvious anyway, I could just about walk so she told me 2 sign off msn n go to bed with some water.  

This is from the first time I got drunk. It’s a really long post that I didn’t think needed to be entirely shared. The guy upstairs doesn’t rock ‘like at all’ but I clearly fucking did, as we’ve learned. I don’t know who the Cheryl in question is but I’m sorry she had to deal with the absolute state I was in after drinking vodka straight from the bottle. When I finally stumbled into the house, I handed my mum sweets and told her I loved her in front of people so even if I wasn’t so blatantly hammered, I was a real cause for concern. I’m glad she was as patient as she was with me that night because I was an absolute fucking riot. I did get grounded for the rest of the summer, though which didn’t rock. Like, at-all.

I’ll leave it there for now but I hope you enjoyed this absolute cringe-fest!