After 7 years, 1 month and 3 days, we broke up.
It’s difficult to navigate the ending of a relationship when you still like and love each other. When you’re so intertwined in each other’s lives that you sometimes forget that their family, isn’t actually yours. When you have so many in-jokes and such a complete world between just the two of you that only being together feels like home. It’s so incredibly difficult. But it is possible.
Our final months together were a disservice to what was always a loving relationship, if not always an easy one. I probably put Gavin, and our relationship on a pedestal now and then but we really were great. Everybody thought so. So many friends have said to me if you guys can’t make it, what chance does anybody else have?
Which is nice. If a little bit of a punch to the gut. I don’t really know how to answer it, either. We were just as surprised as anybody else that we didn’t work out.
It’s been 3 weeks now, 3 weeks today actually and I have felt myself change, and grow in such a short space of time. There have been so many emotions to work through and so much of our relationship, our first weeks, our final months, that I’ve dissected in my mind.
For the first 3 days after it, I didn’t eat. Drinking a cup of tea felt like climbing a mountain and I am pretty unfit. I couldn’t bring myself to really do anything. It was as if I existed in a heartbreak realm where the only thing anybody could do is cry. I didn’t know how to open up to my friends. I wanted my life back. Or to be able to eat.
They passed, though and I ate again. I drank again. I got drunk and only cried once. Recovery started before we even ended, I think. I wasn’t overly surprised that Gavin left me. Just sad. We both were.
It’s hard to believe that what was such a happy relationship for such a long time could end and I am still getting my head around us being over, him not living in this home anymore, we’ve had our last kiss. We’ve had our last trip. We’ve had our last night out. We’ve finished. And I’m not going to lie, I am scared. I don’t want to put myself out there and end up floating in the heartbreak realm again. Friends of mine have said it’s given them a bit of a shock, too.
I don’t want anything, not for a long time but what I can say, even right now, only 3 weeks later is I would do it all again, even knowing it ended like this.
Love isn’t a destination, it’s a journey. And some journeys, even the best ones, even the ones you feel won’t ever end, do. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean failure, it doesn’t have to result in regret.
Do it anyway. Fall in love anyway. Kiss them anyway. Put yourself out there anyway. Emotions shouldn’t be safeguarded and hands shouldn’t be tentatively held. Throwing yourself in, and absorbing all of it, the love, the passion, the heartache… it’s worth it. And I’d do it all over again.
Our love changed me, for better and worse. It’s odd to look back at who I was when I first got with Gavin compared to who I am today. It’s odd looking at who he was. It’s also really lovely. We’re better, stronger, kinder people than we once were.
And I’m glad we had such an adventure.
I’ll love whatever you become
Forget the reckless things we’ve done,
I think our lives have just begun
Muse – Falling Away With You