Why I’m not writing about my trauma anymore.

Essay

Let’s lay it all out here so I never have to outline them again:

  • I have Endometriosis
  • I was sexually abused as a child by my dad, who went to prison for it. His family cut me out and they still keep him around. It fucked me up – I have some terrible abandonment issues
  • I’ve been sexually assaulted (and wrote about it for #MeToo)
  • I have anxiety, OCD and have suffered from depression
  • I have Dyspraxia

Done. Done. Done. No more.

I am happy to speak about these on any level, any platform, with anyone but I will not write about them anymore. I don’t want to write about how much I’ve suffered to legitimise who I am now. I am strong, kind, interesting and funny and not all of these are a result of me being a victim. I feel like everything I write comes with a trigger warning. I feel that people always have to prepare themselves for some dark stories and honestly, that’s not actually who or how I am. This is more about me than anyone else. I don’t see myself as a victim per se but I feel I need to explain why I am the way I am and… I don’t want to anymore. I’m flawed. Everybody is. I’ve been through shit. Everybody has. Enough.

Every time I write about something I’ve suffered with, I feel like I’m offering out a piece of myself. I’m there for the taking. A little bit of trauma at a time. My story can be consumed by anybody. I’m tired of it. I want to share my life, who I am now. I view the world through an empathy lens and not to sound like I’m tooting my own horn but honestly, I have some great ideas. I have so much more to offer than my suffering.

I will always fight for fellow victims and sufferers. I’ll never be quiet. But for now, for me, I want to be more than this.

I am making a concerted, non-Instagrammable effort to really indulge in self-care and the first step is this.

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